The Invisible Mummy

A short story.

The Invisible Mummy was having another bad day.

He’d been fulfilling his age-old mission to take vengeance on humanity, wreaking havoc at the used car dealership by disconnecting computers from wall sockets, smearing windows with axle grease, puncturing a tall, flailing red tube man with scissors and pushing several used Honda Civics out of their parking spaces. But the dealers were too zoned out, distracted or hungover to notice his efforts. When, summoning all his strength, he pushed a Mini Cooper into the rusty chain link fence surrounding the place, a pudgy salesman finally noticed his work.

“Burt,” he called into the office, taking a cigarette from his mouth, “didn’t you park that Mini Cooper after the test drive?”

“Didn’t test drive no Mini Cooper.” Burt was busy with a smartphone game that involved hot dog buns and hungry puppies.

“Well, somebody sure didn’t put ‘er back.”

“That wasn’t just somebody. That was the Invisible Mummy,” said the Invisible Mummy, trying for his deepest, most menacing voice. Unfortunately, his ancient vocal cords left the words sounding weak and rusty. The Invisible Mummy was close to Dillon, the overweight salesman, as he’d made his comment. An invisible smile of satisfaction spread slowly across his bandaged mummy face. Finally, at least one foolish resident of this oblivious town had noted his terrifying deeds. The first gratifying signs of uncontrollable mummy fear were manifesting themselves.

“Who? What?” asked the baffled Dillon.

“The Invisible Mummy did it. I wander the Earth, an accursed Chilean mummy from the fog of pre-history, vengefully leaving untold wreckage and horror in my wake.”

“Shit, my phone must’ve gone off. Some crazy butt video!” The hefty dealer laughed loudly and took his smartphone from his rear pants pocket. No video was playing, but he pointlessly shook the phone and repeatedly pressed its surface.

“That wasn’t your smartphone,” said the Invisible Mummy, growing irate. “Only the might of the Invisible Mummy could move that Mini Cooper unstoppably across your dingy lot.”

“Wow, some crazy audio. Won’t turn off.” Dillon kept pressing the smartphone power button with his pudgy index finger.

Santiago Fuentes, the youngest dealer, a promising drop-out from Gainsbourg Community College, slouched over to the Mini Cooper. “Somebody buying this ride, homes?”

“No one’s buying nothing,” said Dillon.

“That Mini Cooper was transported by the uncanny power of the Invisible Mummy,” the Invisible Mummy reiterated for the benefit of the newcomer.

Santiago took note of the strange creaky voice that appeared out of nowhere. “Is that your smartphone, boss?”

“That’s no smartphone. It’s the unmistakable, commanding voice of the Invisible Mummy.”

“Invisible who? What the hell’s that?”

“The Invisible Mummy, you fools. I’ve been unleashing my vengeance on your doomed car dealership this morning and throughout the early afternoon. You’ll find several surprising malfunctions in your electronic equipment as this baleful day progresses.”

“Invisible Mummy? I never heard of no Invisible Mummy.”

“Ignore that voice, Santiago. It’s just some phone…”

“What you’ve heard of means nothing to me,” continued the Invisible Mummy, purposefully stepping on Dillon’s comment to stave off any further talk of phones. “I am the Invisible Mummy. Ignore me at your peril.”

Santiago approached the spot beside Dillon where the voice seemed to be originating. He looked at the air suspiciously. “Wait, ese…you mean the Invisible Man? I know the Invisible Man. He’s in the Fantastic Four!”

“An Invisible Mummy is far more frightening than an Invisible Man,” argued the Invisible Mummy.

Santiago frowned. “No, dude. It’s confusing. Are you the Mummy or the Invisible Man?”

“Neither. I am the Invisible Mummy.”

“That ain’t right, homes.”

“It is a little hard to picture,” admitted Dillon.

“Of course it’s hard to picture! I’m invisible!” The Invisible Mummy was used to mere mortals being perplexed by his existence. He didn’t fit easily into the common, clichèd categories of monstrous creatures. “And I’m far scarier than a simple Invisible Man. As an Invisible Mummy, not only can I evade your sight, but I’m thousands of years old and bear an ancient Chilean curse.”

Santiago wasn’t convinced. “If you’re invisible, how do we know you’re really a mummy? You could just be some invisible guy saying he’s a mummy.”

“How would a mere invisible man dare to make up a far-fetched story about being an Invisible Mummy?”

Santiago put his hands on his hips. “So, if you’re a mummy, prove it, bro. Let me touch your bandages and shit.” Santiago reached into the seemingly empty space before him.

The Invisible Mummy backed up quickly. “Get back! Keep your clumsy hands off my ancient bandages! These bandages are delicate! Thousands of…Ooof!” There was a bang and then a sound of crashing metal.

“Shit, dude what’s up?”

Dillon pointed at a fresh dent on the sedan behind them. “I think the mummy just tripped over that Lincoln Continental.”

“Are you okay, man?”

There were a series of grunts and bumps from the asphalt behind the Lincoln where a bunch of tools were piled. A heavy monkey wrench and a large hammer slid off the pile for no visible reason. “Fine. Ecch. Just…just a little bump.”

“Need a hand, bro?”

“Stay back! Stay back! The Invisible Mummy accepts no assistance!” There was a heaving groan and then a series of heavy footsteps making a quick retreat to a wooded area behind the lot. “I’m the Invisible Mummy! I will return for vengeance!” called the voice, diminishing in volume as it moved away.

The chain at the edge of the lot wiggled slightly and the footsteps quickly faded into silence.

Santiago knelt down, feeling the fresh dent on the Lincoln Continental. “What the hell, Dillon? You think that was really an Invisible Mummy?”

“Shit no. Hell, just all that stuff about being from Chile? The Chilean community here’s tiny! Must be some kid playing pranks.”

“But how does a kid become an invisible mummy?”

“Shit, Santiago, you’re so naïve. You got a lot to learn about technology. Let’s get lunch. The Taco Chute has a 2-for-1 sale.”

They walked off the lot as the sun made its ageless descent toward the horizon and the accursed aura of the Invisible Mummy began to loosen its gruesome grip on the luckless dealership.